Wednesday, January 5, 2011

What do we prepare ourselves for: Marriage or a Wedding??

Pretty dresses, mehandi, jewelry, invitation cards, houses lit in and out and decorated with different kinds of flowers. Yes! You guessed it right. The wedding season is on. We see many people getting happily married around us these days. The above mentioned things and more are apparently the most important components of a wedding.
It all starts with the selection of the perfect spouse. The society we live in, it’s mostly that the parents select the ‘better half’ for their kids. Even if a girl or a boy chooses himself/herself the perfect spouse, they still mostly have to go for their parents’ consent. The selection process is totally different for both genders. While selecting the perfect partner, parents and the kids themselves generally do not look at the personality or the character, but go for the evident material things.
Media or the occasional real life stories have made both the genders so bitter against each other and the in laws that they can hardly expect any good from each other. Guys always think, before or after the marriage that his in laws are against his family and him. He always has it in his mind that the bride and her family are conspiring against him in some way or the other. Most of the guys think women marry for money and will remain married till the guy has it. But the fact is most of the women in our society marry men with nothing, help them gain something and remain with them till they have everything.
It’s not just the guys that have this misconception about the girls or their families; it’s the girls too. The daily soaps are very much penetrating in our daily lives and are poisoning them in many ways. The girls before marriage at times have this in mind built in that her in laws are or will be against her. They don’t like her and will make every effort to separate her from her husband. If we think of it logically, why will they when they themselves selected her (in most cases) and made her their daughter in law? It’s quite understandable that it’s tougher for a girl to adjust in when compared to the guy, but thinking like that makes it tougher for her. If she takes her mother/father in law as her mother/father and sisters/ brothers in law as her own siblings, it’s her who will be the most comfortable in the situation. Helping in daily chores or doing all of it themselves is not that difficult. We see it many times that the girls do a lot more in their own houses but complain about doing it when living with their in-laws.
We all mostly expect it from the girl that she should be the one compromising in all situations. If she has to take her in laws as her own family, she should be given the love and respect she deserves living in her own family. It is rationally impossible for anybody to accept strangers like that without them being kind to her. The guy’s family should accept the girl as their own family member. We mostly see a war like situation between the wife and the mother of men. I again call it a star plus effect. The mother should realize that she brought her son somebody who left everything for him should be given proper space. Same has to be understood by the girl, mother is the one who brought the guy up and they both can’t be should not be split apart. Many times its men to be blamed for it. They are the ones who lose the balance which causes a conflict.
The girl does not have to go and tell everything to her family. She should own the family she gets married in to. Their disrespect should be a disgrace for her too. It happens that the girls take every matter to her parents; unnecessary interference of the girls’ family in the issues causes many problems. Woman should be able to handle little issues themselves without asking their mothers for a suitable situation. But of course, if it really is unbearable for the girl to stay there, if she is treated badly or abused etc., she should never stay quiet about it.
Marriage is the most significant institution in a person’s life. It’s on the marriage’s base that the new relationships are built. Respect for everybody involved is the key point to its success. Accept everybody whole heartedly. Look beyond material things. Don’t just prepare yourself for the wedding, do it for the marriage. Wedding lasts for a day or two, marriage goes on for forever (in most cases). Why not make it a happy and content one?



  1. Well said. The thing is, today, girl or the boy, at least are given the right to know each other. But some families think it against their culture or what so ever it is.
    Lets not forget that young girls are excited about the 'wedding' not the marriage... we do forget all the responsibilities which follow...indulged into the luxuries and fun of the whole concept.
    I have noticed that families living outside of Pakistan have a different mind-set and are willing to accept or over-see some of the things in a new relation. For instance, the concept of dowry.

    Marriage indeed is sacred and should be accepted whole heartedly - just like you said :)
    The question is 'Will any girl or man be ever 'be ready' to get married? A chance has to be taken ... not to find someone perfect but to make it perfect with whom so ever one gets married too.

  2. true that...need to think beyond 'wedding' before signing up for it ..thanx =)

  3. the last paragraph was the best:p i thought the whole thing would be about whether we want to get married for the fun of the ceremony or for real, yea i know lame:p hehe nice article.. must read for soon-to-be weds :)

  4. A woman can be patient with her husband’s poverty, unattractiveness and busy schedule, but she cannot be patient with his rude behavior.

    Nice article, we or our parents should really think beyond material things when selecting the better half such as how virtuous a guy/girl is.

    Marriage is half our deen and should be treated like this.

  5. refreshing read. the first time i encountered something about marriage that does not sound spiteful or angry. mashaAllah.

  6. True that! Covered lots of elements related to the issue....

  7. Hmm, good thoughts but i don't think its applicable, Material things are much important in our routine life. I have seen many people which interested in each other for a long time and broke their relationships after a certain period due to financial crises.

    I know it is certain thing and we have to do, but not any single girl wants to survive in poverty. Love, relationship is nothing if you don't have the good earning or u can't provide the good life style.

    Their is always a difference between saying and apply on that. We are selfish person, We always find our benefits in each and every thing, Similar case with the marriage and relationship. And i am sorry to say, but we are sort off hypocrite people, we are Muslims, rite? so our religion didn't permit the virgin boy/girl to understand each-other, So this is out of question. You have to live with which your parents decided.

    Also, according to Islam, The boy/girl should be marry when he/she comes to maturity age. How many examples have u seen exactly? Do you know why its not applicable, The boy completed his graduation at-least in the age of 22, 3-4 years will pass in career building. and if you still couldn't provide the luxurious life you have to struggle more and than you will get married.
    So, Whats the most important thing, choosing a girl or building a good career?
    If i have a good career, i can choose a good girl, WTH.

    Wedding, Marriage or relationship is just a like a happening in your life which have to be, nothing more than that. Your life schedule has to be changed. Either it can be good or worst. But more chances of worst :)

    The maximum time which we can spend in bachelor life, we should.

  8. Well I personally think that whatever happens in your life just happens :) so no plannings help & no such things matter when you meet your soul mate!!!As it is said,its all decided on skies!

  9. app kitni acheee hain .. apkay khayal kitnay achay hain...shadi kar lain mujsay

    sir na hilaeen..buss haan kar dain

  10. I believe that marriage can be survive without love but can't be without respect.

  11. yes mr. shahid...marriage can be survive without respect and love.. i mean without respect.. i mean without love.

    Wait a minute, if u dont have love then how will u have respect...just a thought

  12. @navidurrahman i disagree with you on the point that the marriages, weddings or relationships etc are mostly worst. As you talked about Islam a bit, so let me inform you that it's half our deen to get married. If you're married with a pious guy/girl than you've achieved half your deen and now you just have to achieve the other half to enter Paradise, that's how big a thing this is. Regarding Islam suggesting to marry early, that's because humans(mostly men) have strong desires when they reach their age of maturity and because they don't fall into some grave sins as a result of following those desires, it's recommended and suggested to marry early if you're able to do so, or else you should fast as fasting decreases the strong desires you have.

    There is a saying of Umar Ibn ul Khattab R.A. suggesting the parents of young adults that: why don't u marry your child early, do you love him falling into sins ?

  13. @madi: i'll sincerely recommend you to re-read and review predestination once again.

  14. @Faizan: 110% agree with you :)
    @Anonymous: as i have seen, we can love without respect and can respect without love

  15. owain!!! mere comments post he nahi huwe yeh kia baat huwi!!

  16. @Faizan: :) I know all these things. Wts ur point?
    Its a risk of life (based on materialistic approach), It can be good or worst :)

  17. thanx all =)
    @naveed u seem really bitter about marriage and all. you can not generalise things like that. i agree people never want to get married unless they have alot of money but thats their personal choice. things dont really change with money. i personally have seen many people living happily with less money. islam says earyl marriages, it gives many logical reasons to it too, we can never say wts there in islam is wrong. many people in the past have survived like that, and i believe things are still the same. its just the change in beliefs and thoughts. if we bring in some flexibility in that, we can live happily too..things i mentioned above are not impossible, if you try doing it, its your life that will be peaceful =)
    @madi marriages are made in the heavens but its us on the earth who have to make them successful. living peacefully with the family can make you happy.
    @anonymous thanx =) would have been easier to respond to ur comment if u were nt anonymous =)
    @shahid love and respect go hand in hand, love without respect is of no good and respect without love for your better half doesnt mean much =)
    @sundus something is wrong with blogspot..keeps happening =/

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  19. @naveed thts wt i suggested...go with the islamic teachings..i have seen alot of girls, living like that..without money...if you give the girl love and respect...she will be ready to live with you in all cases...once again...dont generalise things..not all are same

  20. Fantastic Post.. Now-a-Days its become fashion to malign institution of marriages just because of biased attitude or some personal negative experience towards relationship due to own mistakes. While its the most beautiful aspect of life individually & Communally.

    We have also fixed everything with Finance & Economics which makes life difficult more and more and weakening human institutions i.e. marriage & parenthood etc.

    All in all, we must prioritize people human around us rather than never ending materialistic aspects in our decisions in Life.

  21. 1.I am so desperately Avoiding this topic ....sorry did not tell me about the previous blog post.....shame on you...!
    3.did you change Abbi's background...?
    PS:Oh no...lift's not working....I hate

  22. @wasiq i shared it with sm ppl only who asked for it..yes i did...thanx...didnt get wt u said

  23. @Naveed it's not about material things generally. These things are looked or pursued by those who're far away from Islam or the teachings of Islam. A truly Islamic brother or sister when marrying will always look at virtues rather than money or material things that his/her future better half possess. Now i'm not taking out money from the equation of marriage, that's one of the requirement when looking for a spouse, but not the most important one, if talking from the point of view of Islam

  24. is nice and a lot better than the previous one...But...seems like a page from an un Islamic religious

  25. @sara it was my just a poor guy trying to find the right say yes already

  26. @faizan thanx
    @wasiq i ll try changing it again
    @anonymous once again..i can only respond to ur comment once u stop being anonymous...

  27. Interesting post..:).well, the debate on wedding/marriage can be a bit's a gamble and for a girl, it's actually can be a life full of endless surprises.Yes planning ahead in the right direction and taking every step with a clear conscious of having its consequences in mind is what turns a wedding into a marriage.Rest, it's all 'kismet' and nothing more or less than that..:)

  28. i TOTALLY agree to each and every word you wrote! felt like i am reading my own thoughts *in awesome words though =)* , brilliantly written mashaALLAH. thank you for writing this post =)

  29. @sana agreed...thanx =)
    @aisha thanx pleasure =)

  30. Beautiful write-up and for successful marriage being husband & wife are each other 'ZEENAT' so via practicing patience/tolerance with added flavors of kindness, love, care & respect to each other both need to appreciate and enjoy each other differences :-)
    Though its in our society that girl needs to all kind a compromise/adjustment & sacrifice but real MAN is he who shares the equal share in it and when they both doing it willingly then we don’t call it compromise/adjustment but its LOVE they’ve for each other shows its actual colors :-)
    Jazak-al-ALLAH-al-Khair for sharing this beautiful write-up on ‘Cause’ blog.
    Stay Blessed Always! [Ameen]

  31. I'd say in modern times, even guys and of our culture emphasize the wedding over marriage. Even in the relatively liberal families, for a girl its a sort of freedom. She expects that she is no longer bound at home and can travel and go shopping with her guy.

    For the guy, its about the sex. Yes its true.

    And for both families, its a relief. Our culture lives in a perpetual need to hook up guys and girls and then move onto the next couple.

    After the wedding, reality hits: After the first few months of incessant outings, the guy starts to pull back. And after a few months of wild nights (ahem), the girl too takes more breaks. Both the kids families have moved onto the younger, eligible kids. Its at this point, the realities of marriage hit. Realities we're not taught while getting into the whole mess ;P

    Also, agar picture use karni thi, to yeh kyun nahi use ki (A)

  32. thanx alot for ur contribution nidal...u r very much right =P...lemme edit n put ur picture there...thanx for that too =D

  33. Sara... i am not so very much in favour of present day customs... most of these customs are inspired by Hinduism.. where girl has to go and live with in-laws. I am more in favour of pure Islamic traditions, where the home is provided by the husband and husband & wife have enough independence in their lives. They should be trusted to look after their marriage themselves. Relatives, mother, father, (whether girl's or body's side) are secondary to the institution of marriage. In the end, if something goes wrong, its the boy or the girl or their children, who suffer the most...

  34. u are right...but these are the society rules that somehow have become compulsory...if a girl now says she wants a separate house shes not considered a *good bahhoo*..n thats right... Islam does not promote joint family system..nothing in Islam can ever be wrong. it always gives logical reasons behind all of it..thanx for the comment =)

  35. Its a great writeup and a must read for all guys and girls especially pakistanis :)

    but I disagree about the last comment of separate living... as a son I would want to and infact its my duty to take care of my parents. As far as my knowledge is ..Its true that there is no compulsion on girl to take care and do "khidmat" of her father&mother in-law .. and if a husband or someone expects that from a bahoo then its wrong and against Islam ... As the khidmat of parents is only "binding" on children not their spouses. In this case how do you promote separate living ??

  36. کبھی ہماارے بلاگ پر بھی تشریف لائے